The stage really really fucks with people I swear.

So we are officially two days away from the showing of "Words," the poetic play in Manhattan--we are filming on Monday with a sizeable audience of about twenty people because we actually OVERSOLD! It has been such a crazy, wonderful expirience but of course because it's me we're talking about nothing can ever be simple. How is it possible that at a time when I should be at my happiest I am breaking my heart and my brain?

One of my costars in the show is a guy I've known for over a year, and we've gotten really really thick together. He's handsome, a too-brilliant-for-words writer and just a fascinating guy. I think of him very much as a brother. This guy is a very gaurded person who I think has a lot of secrets, but puts on a very elaborate, layered front for people that can hardly be understood. A lot like me. And I think we gravitated towards each other for that reason. Instantly we sensed each other's masks and the strength we took only from ourselves. He once told me "You're the only person I know who has any true strength." A few weeks back he actually said, "I hate everyone, but I love you."

Now, because I am very sheltered and because of my disability I often feel very very strongly and get somewhat overly attatched to people when they make it clear they care for me--especially men. And so much has happened with this guy and is continuing to happen that my mind is going heywire. He has transferred out of my school and after this show I don't know when I'll see him again. The thought of this is becoming more and more disturbing to me and I don't know why. I can't stop dreaming about him, thinking of him. In the play our director has cast he and my other friend as lovers. There is an awful lot of them holding each other, grabbing each other and every time I see it I just wish it was me. But why? I am not in love with him. I set him up with my closest friend, I got them back together during a horrid, horrid breakup they had before he left school. Last weekend I let them stay at my house because they wanted to be with each other after not seeing each other for months. Oh to be a third wheel! Watching them lay in each other's arms on the floor. They are perfect for each other and I love them both like wild. Why did I hate them for being happy? Why when he said "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" did I feel my whole point of view being disrupted? It was so much easier to believe true love didnt exist. Do I want him or just anyone to love me the way he does her? Was it the weekend, or the stage that's fucking with me? Maybe it's just all the time I'm spending with him. I would never, never come between them.

I don't want him to forget me when he leaves. I've never felt like I was important to anyone as amazing as I think he is. I want to continue being there for him even after he can't see me, and to know that I can still count on him. He makes me feel safe, wanted. I don't want to lose that. And I just want him to hold me in his arms for half a minute before he goes. I don't know how to ask for any of those things.

What’s the last thing you wrote?

I've been keeping track of my summer in a word document since the beginning of July. It's not necessarily fiction, but that's the last thing I wrote. I put ideas in it along with lyrics and quotes and what's going on in my life in general. I feel like this summer, when it's over, will give me a lot to go off of.

Was it any good?

It will be.

What’s the first thing you wrote that you still have?

This Christmas poem I wrote that got published in the Beacon, I think, in like 3rd or 4th grade. Probably if I dig around I can go back further, but I'm lazy!

Write poetry?

Not really...I liked some of the stuff I did for my english portfolio in 11th grade. One of my poems was at the beginning of It Takes a Tragedy and I wrote a random decasyllabic couplet this summer. I like those. But I'm not a huge fan of poetry. I can never really get it to flow.

Angsty poetry?

Nahh.

Favourite genre of writing?

I don't write or really even read sci fi. I think it requires taking far too many leaps of faith and I can't do it. How I manage to watch Lost every week is beyond me! But I love to read and write romance, young adult romances. I like to read about people finding themselves through other people.

Most fun character you’ve ever created?

I like the characters in my one shots the most, I think. A lot of the stuff I write though is based off of real people and real life situations. So...I guess I don't really create characters in the traditional sense.

Most annoying character you’ve ever created?

See above.

Best plot you’ve ever created?

Like I said, I more borrow from actual events and grow them than create from scratch.

Coolest plot twist you’ve ever created?

Okay, so it's not necessarily a plot twist as opposed to a twist in the traditional storytelling method, but I like how in Not Enough, none of my characters have names. It really kind of drives home that they could all be quite literally anyone. They all could be you.

How often do you get writer’s block?

That's a big problem that I'm trying to overcome. Sometimes I just keep going and write out my dribble and write out the crap and occasionally something gold comes out. That's why I'm keeping track of my summer. I might get some gold.

Write fan fiction?

I used to. I wrote for School of Rock and His Dark Materials. It was cool, I liked it a lot actually. But fanfiction.net kind of went down the tubes, so.

Do you type or write by hand?

Handwritten, but I tend to lose things and doodle ENDLESSLY when writing by hand, so I'm trying to do more typed stuff now.

Do you save everything you write?

I try, but I lose a lot of stuff. I'm very messy! :(

Do you ever go back to an idea after you’ve abandoned it?

Sometimes. I like to keep track of everything just in case.

What’s your favourite thing you’ve written?

FLG :) it'll always be my favorite!

What’s everyone else’s favourite story that you’ve written?

In real life? Yes, FLG still. I took it off FP because I was massively editing it, but it was a favorite there too.

Do you ever show people your work?

Yes, on FictionPress and on LJ and sometimes in real life too.

Did you ever write a novel?

FLG! Which I will edit SOMEDAY.

Ever written romance or angsty teen drama?

Of course.

What’s your favourite setting for your characters?

I like to put them in southern locations because I love southern men! Yes, I'm also aware of the shallowness of that answer :)

How many writing projects are you working on right now?

I'm kind of just shopping things around in my head and getting a feel for what I want to do.

Do you want to write for a living?

Yes. I'd like to be a journalist, maybe a sports journalist, and I'd like to teach writing and English at some point.

Have you ever won an award for your writing?

No, I haven't done anything developed enough really to try. Actually, I did win an award for writing the best headlines in my journalism class if that counts.

Ever written anything in script or play format?

No, but I've always wanted to. I'd love to write for a TV show one day.

What are your five favourite words?

Devilishly, conundrum, theoretically, love, anthropomorphic!

Do you ever write based on yourself?

Myself and my friends most often. Yes.

What character have you created that is most like yourself?

Madison Wilson for the simple fact that she IS me.

Where do you get ideas for your characters?

Everywhere in the world that there are people and situations that can be drawn from.

Do you ever write based on your dreams?

Dreams? Dreams that I have yes, but not ones that come at night.

Do you favour happy endings, sad endings or cliff-hangers?

It depends on the story, really and which character you're talking about. It obviously can't be a happy ending for everyone.

Have you ever written based on an artwork you’ve seen?

Nope

Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?

Yes, very much. I hate it when things are wrong and I'll often read it out loud to myself to make sure it sounds right and is right.

Ever write anything in chatspeak (how r u?)

When I was in middle school, yes. But I grew out of it very, very quickly.

Entirely in L337?

Roseanna and I went through a phase :)

Was that question appalling and unwriterly?

It was funny.

Does music help you write?

Yes, because it makes everything in my head not as loud and I can hear myself think clearly.

Quote something you’ve written. Whatever pops into your head.

She studied him for a moment, her eyes softening as she took in the hurt etched in his face, the hurt that she’d surely put there. "Because I love you."

I'm so tan/sunburned that I look like I just got back from a weeklong trip in the Bahamas.

I refused to put on sunscreen because I did, in fact, desire this, however, my thighs are pretty angry at me right now. Hahah oooops. As long as I don't get melanoma, I'll get over it :)

I think every now and then you need a good rant about how crappy your life is at the moment. I had mine and I feel somewhat better. Eye dee kayyy.

This weekend is busy. Tonight I'm meeting Henry at Jilly's with people! Yay! Fun. Then tomorrow I'm babysitting and Nate is coming. I have no idea WHAT we will do, because frankly when you life in MP there isn't much. Maybe we'll go down port on Sunday. Who knowsss. Not I!

I got paid today, yay, which is good and next week is MIDNIGHTHARRYPOTTERSIXOMG. Yay. We have to leave SO much earlier than we did for Transformers, guys. Like...crazy.

That's it, really. I just wanted to alert everyone to the fact that I'm still kicking :)

Logan/Veronica must be number one...because it's LoVe for chrissakes.
Marshall/Lily
Ted/Robin (I might be the only one... still love them, even though Barney/Robin is kind of precious too)
Matt/Julie
Landry/Tyra
Tony/Michelle
Nick/Lindsay
George Michael/Maebe
Charlie/Claire
This one is difficult because I change my mind, but once it was Sawyer/Kate. Now it's probably Sawyer/Juliet.
AHH Alex/Karl :D
Dean/Anna was pretty hot...you know, for that one scene.

And those are just canon couples that I can think of ten minutes before I go to bed. :)